Now, unless you've been living under a rock without a calendar or suffered a bout of amnesia worthy of a Neighbours story line, you'll know that tonight is BON-FIRE NIGHT! That's right kids, one night [outside of festival season] to illegitamately drink outdoors, wave fire around and generally blow things up. Hooray! In the spirit of all things firework and to help you choose what to throw on before braving the elements, here's the Vintage Wardrobe's guide of waht NOT to wear for bonfire fun.
1. Faux Fur [or real fur for that matter] Now as stunning and on trend as you may look strutting up to the park, common or green where you are going to 'ooh' and 'ahh' at the illuminated night sky, all atempts to channel this season's Chanel fur masterpieces may literally end up in flames due to a stray sparkler or Catherine Wheel-gone-off-the-rails. A little less old-world glamour and a little more 'Backdraft,' all in the space of a few seconds. Even if you don't end up ablaze, your gran's old fur is likely to end up doused in cider and smelling like that indeterminable mix of smoke, sauce and vomit at the end of the night. Chiiiiic! 2. Plumage - Now, for all those enjoying a 1920s Flapper revival or prancing around like an extra on set at 'Chicago,' maybe give the feathered headbands and accessories a miss this eve. If in any doubt, just think...what do birds do on bonfire night? Birds... STAY IN! Watch a spot of tele, read the paper, sweep the nest.
Birds don't go out because, in that age-old conundrum of Birds vs. Fireworks, birds ALWAYS lose. Ditch that headband before your goose is cooked.
3. Capes - Yes, yes, it's too late. You've already decided to drape yourself in a vintage version of the Celine cape, swapped your parkas and pea coats for the swish and the funnel necks of this seasons finest. But be warned: keep swishing to a minimum [admittedly a difficult task - heck, who doesn't like stamping out their circumference whilst swishing around their latest threads, possibly imitating the noise of a helicopter or airplane] Too much swooshing tonight can leave you a little less superhero chic and a little more Human Torch tonight...
4. Shellsuits - Not that there's a great danger of many of you routing through the wardrobe and digging out an entire pastel pink eighties get-up or an April O'Neil yellow onesie, but just in case, HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THAT 999?! Yes folks, you know which one i'm talking about - with the jogger and the shellsuit which MELTS onto him! MELTS, like a birthday candle! Just to think, not only will you be caught out for the one-time offence of wearing geometric shapes and day-glo colours [hell, it's dark, why not] but you'll have them FOREVER MELDED TO YOUR SKIN. Like Jimmy Saville in a microwave, nobody wants that [and this time, Jim won't be able to fix it] For those who like the limelight, wear sequins and shiny items insteas and watch revellers 'ooh' and 'ahh' at you.There we have it folks, what not to wear this evening. Hopefully we make this evening's dress decisions that little bit quicker, allowing you an extra half an hour for guzzling Strongbow. For those who no like the words, follow this-a simple formula for a successful evening...
+
Tin Man + Michael
Burke
= Job's A Good 'un!
All the glamour and flamboyance of the Tinman with the conscientiousness of Michael Burke. Now that's good bonfire fashion fun [and nobody loses an eye]
HAPPY BONFIRE NIGHT!
VW x
No comments:
Post a Comment